Name: Nina M

Age: 20

Graduated from Elan School: 2006

What circumstances brought you to Elan?
I suppose that the circumstances that brought me to Elan were the same circumstances that result in any student being placed there.   I had no sense of self worth, my world revolved around lies and consequently I lost all perception of reality, and had lost all respect for life itself.   Some symptoms of these deeper issues were heavy drug use, truancy, and a blatant disrespect/disregard for everyone including myself.   I was so enveloped in guilt and self-loathing that I eventually decided to throw my future to the wind; to live, or more properly put, to die for the moment in the fast lane to self-destruction. Living in that world of lies and twisted manipulations was easier than facing who I had become and trying to make amends to all of those people that I had hurt along the way, so I decided to give up.   In my darkest times, when I couldn't even recognize which way was up and which way was down, when I had turned my back on everyone who cared about me and spit in their faces, they didn't give up on me- not for one second.   Had it not been for those people I would not be alive today- hell, I was half dead by the time I got to Elan.

What were your relationships (family and friends) like before Elan and how have they changed as a result of coming here?
My relationships went a little something like this- I would lie to, steal from, and blatantly disrespect my parents in any other way fathomable.   I developed the prowess of manipulating them by playing on their love for me, that is how I was able to continue my dangerous lifestyle without them seeing me for who I really was.   I mean, it was inevitable that they saw bits and pieces of the symptoms that surfaced; the common letters from school saying that I hadn't been to this or that class, that I was suspended again for smoking on school property, or for being "under the influence", the occasional lies that I was busted on.   However, I was their youngest, the baby- they didn't want to believe that I had become a monster, and I knew that.   So I used it against them to get what I wanted.   It was similar to the relationships I had with my friends.   They knew that I had a drug problem, and that I was an alcoholic, and that I never went to school, and they tried to help me out but there wasn't much that they could do.   In addition I think that living in a town where heavy drug use was so common, most of my friends became immune to it, they didn't realize the severity of my problem.   Towards the end of my time before Elan (a time I refer to as my "crazy daze"), I cut off all connections with those friends who were trying to help me clean up.   I mainly associated myself with the other parasites of this world; who had no more hope for life than I did.   During my time at Elan I was able to reconnect with my family and friends through reconnecting with myself.   I went through the horrifying guilt letter process, where I had to explain (in detail- ad nauseam) everything that I had done wrong.   With the help of the staff members and my peers, I finally took an honest look at myself, after months of kicking and screaming.   Upon realizing the kind of person I had become I knew that it wasn't going to be an easy road to rebuilding the relationships I had worked so hard to destroy.   Eventually, all the hard work I did to redeem myself paid off.   By the time I graduated I had salvaged many of those relationships.   It's still a daily struggle with my father- we are both quite stubborn and egocentric at times, but things have a tendency to work out.   The other day he came up and gave me a big hug, said that he loved and was proud of me.   It felt great, and in the end it was worth all of the pain that I went through, from confronting the person I had been, in Elan.

How did you feel about being at Elan when you were here?
Initially I don't think that I felt anything.   At the time my life revolved around numbing any discomforting emotion, it had become instinct- necessary for survival.   Deep down I think that I was afraid, maybe relieved, lost.   I had some realization by the time I got there that something wasn't right with me, that I needed some help but I wanted that help on my terms.   As long as it wasn't too much work, too painful, too long of a stay- I wanted one of those 30-day rehab programs.   I didn't want to realize that my problems weren't just with drugs, that they were something deeper.   So I counted down the days to my 18th birthday, 14 months something like 425 days.   Every night I would mark one day off my calendar and feel some twisted sense of accomplishment. Somewhere along the way my indifference passed and a new beast emerged- I was just going to shut down, protect myself from everyone.   I fought the staff and my peers on everything- down to the definition of stealing an apple, or the benefits of graffiti.   My true self came out and I continued to lie, to compensate.   As I indicated earlier, the guilt letter process was a pivotal moment in my stay at Elan.   Once I got honest with myself and those around me I had no desire to be the lost soul that I had been for so long.   My rebuilding process was a two-step forward and one step back, then the occasional two steps forward and five steps back.   Suddenly I found myself running for Pete Rowe on the Cross Country, Track, and Road Race team- even winning some races (but I was just a skinny little crack head without ambitions when I got here! What gives?).   Mentoring other students, being a REAL friend.   I was actually enjoying school.   Must have been something in that Poland Spring water, huh?   Elan gave me hope; I re established my sense of self worth that had been misplaced for so many years.   After I turned 18 making the decision to graduate was difficult.   I had the temptation to sign myself out looming over my head every day.   However, something had become more important than my instant gratification- the relationships that I had built with people inside and out of Elan.   I couldn't just walk out on my team, on Missy and Clare, on my family and friends.   Plus I hadn't finished anything in my life, hadn't fulfilled one single commitment.   So I graduated, and there won't be a day in my life that I regret that decision.

How do you now feel about having been at Elan?
It was the most difficult, painful feat of my life.   And I don't regret one second of being there.

Where did you go/what did you do after leaving Elan?
I jumped right into a job and college; ever hear of the saying "an idle mind is the devils playground?" story of my life.   I was so petrified when I left that I wouldn't be strong enough to uphold all of the progress I had made, I feared regression, failure, I feared living that empty life I had lived before Elan.   So I wanted to keep myself busy.   I worked on a dock at Lake Winnipesaukee, and took a Chemistry course at St. Anselms College.   After two months I started struggling with partying too often, then I moved to Manchester and became a non-matriculating student at UNHM.   I had to petition to take more than two classes so I realized that I wasn't going to be partying much during the school year with the work that I fought to be able to do.   Now I'm a full time student at UNHM, I get good grades, still get into the occasional power struggle with the City of Manchester Parking Violations Bureau I often end up in defeat and paying more money for my parking tickets than I would have had I just paid them to begin with.   I guess some of that rebel attitude will always be a part of me, but I won't let it consume me.

What skills did you learn while at Elan that have helped you in your adult life?
I can't possibly sum up the skills that I have learned at my stay at Elan.   So I am not going to try, what I will sum up which is certainly reflective of those skills that I learned is that I would not have been able to succeed in college, to hold a job, to stay clean, to maintain a relationship with anyone, et cetera et cetera et cetera, had it not been for those skills that I learned in Elan.   Most importantly I learned self worth, I gained a new appreciation for life, I have hope.

What is your fondest memory of your time here?
There are too many to chose from.   Oddly enough some of my fondest memories were also some of my most painful ones.   Working in groups with Marty and really digesting who I had been was so painful, but also so rewarding.   Those cold mornings running with Pete Rowe and that dreadful voice screaming "ON THE LINE!!!" for yet another time mile.   Just listening to Marc Rosenberg and Clare Woodman elaborate on intense philosophical ideas blew my mind.   Getting emotionally broken down and then rebuilt by Missy all in 10 minutes.   The public speaking seminars with Clare and Frank McDermott, Leanne and Maritza, and of course my graduation are just some of my fondest memories.

What advice would you offer to parents considering Elan for their child?
Don't believe all of the hype regarding anti-Elan campaigns.   Personally I think that they fester in the minds of people who haven't been able to take responsibility for themselves and since they failed at Elan, they have nowhere to point the finger but toward Elan.   Also, I think that putting your child in the care of someone who you don't know is one of the most difficult decisions to make.   My parents had a tendency to rationalize keeping me at home because I had only done this or that (to their knowledge), keep in mind that the problems that surface are probably not all that's going on.   Many people do succeed in Elan and go on to do great things while some people do not.   There is no definite guarantee or magical pill that one can take to remedy years of pent up issues; it takes time and hard work.   Elan provides an opportunity, those who grasp that opportunity gain their life back but ultimately it is their choice.

What advice would you offer to a student just entering Elan?

How can one possibly offer advice to another being who is so divine as to know everything?   First and foremost, I would say that you don't know everything, and that the decisions you have made based on your knowledge got you to Poland, Maine.   Maybe it is time to reconsider what you know.   This place only provides an opportunity for you to take advantage of, you have the choice to halt all of the chaos in your life, to pause the clocks and to restart those clocks much better equipped for a life you can feel good about.   The sooner you get honest with yourself, the sooner you will realize that you don't know everything.   Start opening up your mind to alternate views and you will begin to feel good again.   Everyone at Elan is here to help you change your ways, it will take a lot of work and it won't feel good all of the time, but in the end you won't regret it.

It's just starting; don't think that you are fixed just because you graduated.   A graduation means that you are now ready to start your life; it doesn't mean that it will be smooth sailing.   You are graduating with the skills you need to reach your fullest potential in life; it is ultimately up to you to utilize them.   Never allow yourself to become lost again, keep your inherent tendencies in the forefront of your mind.   They will be back to haunt you.   Lastly, try to establish a stable support system.   Surround yourself with people who can help you stay on track- and don't be afraid to support them as well, you have a lot to give.   Good luck!

Do you still think about Elan?
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Elan.   I miss just about everyone there and often wish that I had those people to tell me exactly what I am doing wrong, as for now I just have to figure that out on my own. 

Where is your Elan Diploma?
My diploma is on top of my bureau in my room.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?
I think I said all that needs to be said.   Oh, thank you all- couldn't be successful without you.

Is there anything your mother/father would like to add?

I can't begin to express how grateful we are to everything that is Elan School and the Elan experience.    Every day we marvel at the amazingly beautiful, creative, and positive young woman that Nina is since graduating. Does this mean she is perfect?   Are you kidding?   (But that is GOOD; that's how we know the Body Snatchers didn't take her.)   Seriously, Elan took Nina from the edge of Death's Door, literally, and gave her the tools and time and support to truly find herself..   We know that Nina feared the Elan experience would make her lose herself, but that's because she didn't realize that when she got there she was already a totally lost person.   We are thankful every day that we did not lose Nina, that she did not lose her life, and that no one at Elan ever lost hope.

Let me tell you a bit about Nina, since graduation.   She stays out too late, bends the rules she cannot break, rationalizes her poor choices, and wreaks havoc whenever possible.   Hallelujah!   Because she also lives a healthy life, laughs and smiles a LOT, feels herself living Life, makes and works toward wonderful future plans, builds positive relationships, talks about her fears and issues, has the guts to pull her self back when she's slipping, is an outrageously solid straight A college student, looks more beautiful every day, AND, most importantly, exudes 10,000 times more self respect every day than she had on a good day before Elan.

Elan was a lengthy and expensive process but I'd rather spend the next however many years paying it off ten times over, than have paid for Nina's funeral.   For Nina, Elan was often tedious, sometimes impossible, frequently frustrating, occasionally pointless, and at other times just right.   Nina is now learning that Life is the very same.    And, from having the guts and courage (and stubbornness) to hang in there at Elan and to graduate, she now finds herself wayyyyy ahead in the game of Life.   It's exciting to see her more frequently take the opportunity to actually lead rather than seeing those old patterns of just "thinking" she's leading but actually just following the herd.

Nina becomes more wonderful as every day, week and month goes by.   At Elan, we learned to cheer for the 3 steps forward, 2 steps back sort of progress because it boiled down to forward motion.   The tools she gained and skills she developed through the Elan program have her now making giant leaps forward, with only tiny baby steps back.

She is Woman-Child.   She is Fabulous.   She is in charge of her destiny.   And, blessedly, she HAS a future, thanks to Elan.   If Nina is still highly thought of at Elan, we are glad.   Elan is very much highly thought of by Nina and all of us in her circle of family and friends.   All I can say to Elan students and their parents is HANG ON.   I don't care how frustrated or angry or bored or delusional you get.   Elan IS the best thing that has happened to you in recent years.   They will not give up on you Do NOT give up on yourselves. I may just be her "Evil Stepmother, " but know I speak for Nina's Mom and Dad when I tell you how eternally grateful we will ALWAYS be not for Elan saving Nina, because that could have only happened in the very short run.   We thank the entire Elan team for teaching Nina how to save herself.   Now she is growing into having full control over her life and what a wonderful life it is.

Thank you all!!!